My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
