i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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