Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
