4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
