I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
