Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I will die if light touches me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No I am not eating basil off your cock
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
