Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
