everyone is single if you try hard enough
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
