im six kinds of drunk right now
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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