I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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