I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
