A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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