also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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