Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
