Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
