You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
