My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
