I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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