Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Randomize
