He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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