in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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