my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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