Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
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