There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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