I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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