I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
