i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am naked and annoyed.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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