Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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