This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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