I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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