I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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