a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just threw up on my dentist
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
