So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
