What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
