hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
