So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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