just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
