ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
