Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
