Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
