i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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