I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
