I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
