Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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