If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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