I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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