Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
