I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
