did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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