I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
