Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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