her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
