I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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