Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
