apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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