Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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