the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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